Monday, August 4, 2008

Take Me Away

I have been in an incredibly foul mood today. Really. If you saw me out today, I would have suggested you cross the street, just to avoid me. Not nice. Until just a minute ago, I couldn't place it. Was I tired? Well, yes, probably. Did I have too much to do? Eh, not any more than usual. So, why the mood, Miss Cranky Pants?

Well, okay. I am the analytical type. Let's examine it. The week is relatively low key from a medical perspective. That's good. We leave on Mandy's wish trip in just a few days. I should be giddy. I should be so excited. I should be, much like the kids, boiling over with anticipation. Yet, today, not so much. I started crying a while ago because frankly, I don't want to go. Don't get me wrong, it will be fun and amazing and joyous. The smiles it will bring to my kids faces will buoy my spirits for quite some time. I am so touched and amazed by the wonderful people at the Children's Dream Fund. Kristin, Mandy's dream coordinator has been so much more than wonderful, I can't even come up with a string of positive adjectives to string together to do her justice. She is amazing. The whole organization is amazing. They really truly are. In no way do I mean to sound ungrateful. But, that being said, I don't want to go. More accurately, I don't want a reason to be able to go.

It is a difficult thing to reconcile. This gift to Mandy, this amazing gift and my feelings of wanting to pack her up and head for the hills and screaming, "No, no, no, I don't want her to QUALIFY for this trip." I am so thankful for this gift for her, yet, I so desperately want her to not have a reason to receive this gift. The parameters to receive a wish trip are a "life threatening illness." I would trade the Atlantis weekend for a weekend at home mowing the yard and doing laundry(and we all know how much I hate that) in a heartbeat. Because to not go to Atlantis would mean Mandy didn't qualify for such an amazing gift, because she was not sick, because she did not have a life threatening illness. I would so much rather stay home and do laundry in blissful boredom with Mandy being a perfectly healthy child who has never even heard of Wish Trips.

That is not the hand we have been dealt though. We will absolutely make this an incredibly memorable trip. We will all have a great time and I will get over this. Her smile, that dimple, that sparkle in her eye that laugh heard 23 miles away...that, under any circumstances is a gift and a joy to behold. I am so thankful to Kristin and the Dreamfund for giving her a reason to smile. As to me and my neurosis? We will be fine, will get over the raw emotions tied up in this and soak up every single joyful moment this trip has in store for us. For that, all those beautiful memories that we are about to make, I am so grateful.

Love to all~

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

Natalie, that is so totally and completely understandable. I can't tell you how to approach your feelings from any kind of "been there, done that" perpective but I do know that any feeling you have is right and you should let yourself feel it. All of it! Actually, I think it's probably a good thing to feel the ugly stuff right now - the anger, the fear, the sadness. Then when you get to Atlantis, you have room to feel the JOY! I wish I lived closer. I'd take you out for a drink, let you be a B@#*H, and I'd still LOVE YA!!!

Hang in there! Not only is Mandy in my prayers, YOU are too!