It's an odd thing to hate. It's odd to hate the day, like today, where she feels good. I treasure it totally and completely, but on some level I hate it. It makes me hurt. It makes me hurt because it is all too brief. I relish it. I want to savor every moment. I want to bottle it and give it back to her when she feels like crap. I want to have it always there to remind her that she will once again feel good. I want to keep it to remind Alannah and Zachary how much she really does love them and that if she were herself, she would never yell at them the way she does when she feels terrible. I want to keep it to remind me that she is still in there. I want to wallow in the goodness of it all. I want to stuff it in a teddy bear that we can all sunggle every night. I want to inhale it and hold my breath until I turn blue. The cancer, the chemo, the NF...it can take her hair,it can take her energy, it can take her appearance. I won't let it to take her spirit, her joy, her love for just about everything. She felt great today. What an amazing joy it is to see that sparkle in her eye, to hear that laugh, to see that dimple. She is farthest removed from her last chemo dose right now. Because she is the farthest from that, she is the closet to herself. She did have a headache today and her eye was bothering her. She fell a couple of times because of the neuropathy. None of these things mattered much to her. She was happy and loving life and having fun.
This journey changes so many things. The little things and the big things. I have always cherished my kids. Always wanted to be a mom when I grew up. They are the single most important things in my life. I treasure listening to them play together, laugh together, and even the bickering. I adore the way Mandy's hand feels in mine every time we walk anywhere together. How I always know she will reach for my hand. How when she is laying in bed next to me she always has to have some part of her touching some part of me. How you can always hear her before you can see her. How Zachary can always make me laugh, just like his Daddy. How I always know he is going to jump in front and hold the door for any woman or girl within 25 feet of the door, because his Momma taught him chics dig gentlemen and he believed me. How you always know when he is thinking about something that could get him in trouble, you can tell by the glint in his eye. That glint is there a LOT. How Alannah can be 42 years old and 5 years old all at the same time. How no matter how much you think you get the way her mind works, she can still surprise you. How she can sit down and in 2 minutes take a simple thought and turn it into an extraordinary piece of prose or poetry. How she still thinks I know things and have answers, even when I don't. Honestly, I already felt like my heart was owned by three kids and had no idea I could treasure it more. I could. I do.
Boring is an amazing gift. Today was a gift. Everyday is a gift. For all of us. Me, you, everybody. Today, we did ordinary stuff. It was great. We were one kid down as Alannah is away at camp. Mandy and I went to the bank and to Target. Zachary played with a buddy. We came home, had dinner around the table with Daddy and went out for ice cream as a special treat. It was an ordinary, average boring day. We loved it.
Tomorrow is Tuesday. Well, ok, today actually at this point. I plan to take Mandy and Zachary over to the pools and water slides at a nearby neighborhood, courtesy of my adopted big brother, Rob. We will play, swim, laugh and have a great time. We will wear ourselves out being silly. We will have a ball and be together and be in the moment of everything being good. We will have dinner, and go to bed, happy ,tired and full. Except, Zachary will have to go to a friends house. He will be spending the night with a friend again tomorrow night as Mandy and I will need to leave for the hospital early and will be there all day. I am going prepared, just in case she has a reaction and she has to be admitted. We will go, they will pump her full of the nasty drugs that are helping her to eventually always feel like herself, but in the meantime make her feel like she was run over by a train.
My grand plans of laundry, house cleaning and lawn mowing...those aren't looking like they are going to happen. I would rather be boring and play with my kids. So, if you show up and are brave enough to wade through the knee high grass to the front door, please pardon the 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded that are piled on the couch and don't look at the nasty floor that needed to be mopped a week ago. I didn't get it done. I could have. I chose not to. I had better things to do.
Love to all~