Monday, June 9, 2008

My prayer

It breaks my heart. It really does. It breaks my heart into a million pieces to see my daughter struggle, be scared and be angry. Mandy has always been a joyful little girl. She has always been quick with a smile, charming and with the nurturing heart of a mother. It is still there. I know it is, because I still see it. Right now, she is mad, really mad and scared, really scared.

Mandy was having a rough night tonight and was screaming and angry and upset. Mainly, she was tired and feeling generally crummy. She screamed at me and Alannah and Zachary about just about everything tonight. Finally, I sent her to bed. She was furious, to say the least. She was completely inconsolable.

After the storm passed, we had a long talk. She finally opened up about a lot of her emotions. She said she was angry, and scared. She said she didn't mean to act that way and that it wasn't her fault. She said cancer was all she could think about. It broke my heart into a million tiny pieces.

I hate this. I hate it with every single fiber of my being. I would give ANYTHING to take it from her. I can't. So I said this instead:

"This tumor is a tiny little thing and we will not let it take over everything. We will not let it take over you. Everything else is the same. You aren't lost. You are still the same Mandy. I am still the same me. We are still the same family. I know how angry you are. I am angry too. I know how scared you are. I am scared too. We will help. But, don't be mad at us or at your friends. Let us love you. Love us back. Together we can get through this. We can be scared together. We can even be mad together. But, we can't be mad at each other."

It was the single hardest moment I have ever had as a mom. I so don't feel qualified for this sometimes. All I want is to help my baby, help her heal, help her be strong and help keep her spirit and her joy. Please, God, help me do that for her.


Chuck said...

Hang in there Natalie. You are not alone in your prayers. We are praying for you too. Tell Mandy we are so proud of her...Samuel asks about her every day and prays for her during bedtime prayers.
Jennifer Kelly

Rachel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rachel said...

Oh, Natalie! You are THE most qualified person I could ever dream of to have a child with Mandy's illness. If I were in your shoes, I could never have formed those words in such a way as to make sense to a child like you did. I think you are absolutely the best mom in the whole world. Please know that we are all thinking about your whole family every day.
Love you all,
Rachel Rubottom

I removed my earlier post because your teacher-friend didn't review and edit her writing!!

Tamara said...

I'm sure in your heart you wanted to say go ahead and get mad, you have all the reason in the world, but I don't think you could have picked any better words to say. In some way, maybe it makes Mandy feel that as a family; united together; that the family is bigger than the tumor therefore defeating it. As I am scared for her, I can only imagine how scared that little soul must be. I pray for her every day.

I think of Mandy and all of you daily. It breaks my heart into a million pieces too that you all have to go through this. I am so glad that you have the friends there to help hold you up through the tough times.

Natalie, I cannot stress enough or put into adequate words how my heart goes out to you, Ronnie, Alannah, Zach, and Mandy. We love you all.

Aunt Tammie