Friday, January 16, 2009

Our Duraflame had too much flame and not enough dura

It's cold in Florida.

Translation:It is below 60 outside and we are a family of wimps.

Alannah is spending the night at a friends house.

Translation: Please momma can I go stay up all night and laugh and giggle and come home and be insufferable tomorrow because I am so tired.

So, because of the aforementioned cold, Mandy and Zachary asked me to start a fire in the fireplace.

Transalation: Go to garage haul in faux wood Duraflame. Use long fancy lighter to set fire to the arrows and VOILA! I am woman! Hear me roar! I made fire!



Tonight's version went something like this:

"Momma would you make a fire? It's cold."

"Sure! Maybe we can even roast marshmallows!"

Go to garage.
Get faux wood.
Get long fancy lighter.
Open glass doors on fireplace.
Wonder aloud if that thingamigig is supposed to be forward or backward. Decide forward looks good. Because why on earth would anyone have moved it from the last time we had a fire? That would just be stupid.
Chuck Duraflame onto little brick Duraflame-holder-upper-things.
Light arrows on paper. Careful to follow "Light here" arrows precisely.

Ahhh, fire. I made fire. I made happy kids. All is good. I am good mommy. We are Norman Rockwell painting. Sigh a deep sigh of accomplishment.

Except, I made smoke.....lots and lots of smoke.
I made every smoke alarm in my house go off.
I made Mandy cry in agony, "Mommy, make the noise stop."
I made my dogs bark. And the neighbors dogs bark. Probably made a cow moo somewhere.
I made Zachary note, "It doesn't usually do that momma."
I open every door in my house.
Now it's cold.
And loud.
And smokey.
I am now cursing Duraflame for robbing us of our Norman Rockwell moment.

Turns out? The little thingamigig? The one that would have been stupid for someone to move from the last time we had a fire? Yea. Someone? Was stupid.


Wrong answer.

Push thingamigig back, with my bare hand. Burn hand on thingamigig, cause where there is smoke...there is fire. And fire? IS HOT! And makes surrounding metal hot. DUH! Cuss under my breath at thingamigig. Maybe I was stupid person who moved thingamigig in the first place. HATE thingamigig. Thingamigig is evil. Wish very bad mojo on thingamigig and all it's little thingamigig friends and family.

Have cleared out smoke now. Temperature in house is -20. Mandy needs therapy. Zachary is craving smoked ham. Dogs hiding in bedroom. I am terrible mommy. Even worse fire maker.

Finally I conquer thingamigig and we have Norman Rockwell moment. Mandy and Zachary snuggly reading by roaring fire. We are all too traumatized for marshmallows now.

Oh, and? Zachary and Mandy both made honor roll! They also both got to go to the reward Sock Hop for good citizenship! Yay them!! Soooo proud of them! Haven't gotten Alannah's report card yet.

Mandy is still really tired, but we are just going to try to lay low this weekend and see if that helps perk her up. She did well at school today, but wanted to lay down as soon as she got home. Not really sure what to do with the fatigue.

Love to all~


Jennifer Lehmann said...

You crack me up! But remember how my mom was in Florida the past week? She said Thursday she was wearing a scarf and gloves walking Clearwater Beach. As if I was supposed to feel bad for her. She got home yesterday morning to a crisp -12 degrees and quickly understood why I didn't care if she was cold in Florida. It was warmer in Alaska yesterday. The more northern-most part of Alaska.

Stay warm! ;)

KGW said...

You are too funny. I so feel your pain...I too once forgot to flip the thinggamajig and almost burnt the house down. I love your translations.

only me said...

UGH! What I wouldn't give for double digit temperatures!! :P

I think that little thingamajiggy is called the damper. And it was in the right position because you have to close it every time you're done using the fireplace. Otherwise, you leave the flue (a.k.a. the doohickey) open and are letting outside air in. So next time, you need to remember to flip the thingamajiggy to open the doohickey before firing up. Otherwise, the flue will be closed and you'll get a house full of smoke again.

Er, but don't even think about asking me which way you're supposed to twist it. *d'oh*

Glad to hear y'all made it out relatively unscathed and no worse for the wear. . . well, besides the dogs and cows, that is. Did they ever stop barking and mooing? *grin*

Sarah said...

Hey, at least you FOUND the thingamigig, unlike me, on a 12-degree night last February when I decided that the good ol' Duraflame fire would be a nice companion on an evening that hubby was out and little boy had just been put down to bed.

When the smoke started filling up the room, I panicked and began furiously opening all the doors (remember, TWELVE DEGREES)in a futile effort to chase the smoke outside before it set off the detectors, therefore waking aforementioned little boy.

Then I placed a desperate cell phone call to hubby, who was at an unexpectedly crowded, chaotic and noisy place -- a Kansas Democratic presidential caucus (I am not kidding. There are indeed Kansas Democrats, and apparently when they all get together in a room and start ranting about Republicans, they cannot hear their cell phones).

By this time I was on Plan C (or maybe D), which involved yanking the batteries out of the squealing smoke detectors and filling pots of water from the kitchen sink to drown the Duraflame log. Ever seen a soaked fake-wood fireplace log? It is not a pretty sight.

Meanwhile, the young male of the household has come downstairs, jolted awake by the smoke alarm, and is standing with his mouth agape at the sight of his crazed mommy throwing water into the fireplace and saying bad words and yanking batteries out of smoke detectors while frigid air whooshes through the house.

And what's worse is, I still don't know where the thingamigig is.

Andrea Cook said...

Your stories are too much! You should write a book - mothers every where would buy it!!!!

I'm glad the MRI came back with good results. I hope Mandy's fatigue is gone. Stay warm!

COLE Prayer Team -

Hugs of love, Andrea