"I. NEED. TO. PUSH!"
"No, you can't yet. You have to wait for the Doctor."
Ok, so really I can't type my response to that, because this is, after all a family show. Anyone out there who has given birth knows that saying no you can't push when it is about 10 minutes past when you really wanted to start pushing is like saying to
my husband "Don't channel surf during commercials." Somethings you just can't help. Gee, okay. Suffice it to say, the fact that apparently my Ob/Gyn was enjoying his 4th of July festivities and was taking his own sweet time showing up at the freaking hospital did not make me overwhelmed with joy. That whole brief thought I had of natural childbirth. Yea, bad idea. Cause ya know what? IT REALLY FREAKIN HURTS!
In an even more cruel twist of fate, no anesthesiologist shows up in my room, with his bag of happy drugs. Ever. He never came. Well he did, eventually, but was so a day late and a dollar short I can't even tell you. I so wanted happy drugs. I wanted happy drugs more than I wanted air at that moment. But, nooooooooo, Dr. (I Went to school for 10 years, have $120k worth of student loans to show for it and I hold all the happy drugs) Feelgood apparently didn't believe that a first time Mom could be progressing so quickly. To prove him wrong, I think I could have shot that baby out at him like a bazooka and given him a concussion from the fall onto the hard hospital floor. That is if he had ever bothered to show up. Which he didn't.
Now, little did I know at this point that I delivered babies like a human Pez dispenser. I know, I know all of you who take 3 days to deliver a baby have no sympathy for my super fast labor plight. Trust me though, it ain't all it's cracked up to be. Super fast labor + super hard contractions+no time for Dr Feelgood to show up=super big ouch. So, a mere 2 hours and several ear piercing screams(ear piercing, as in the nurse told me to stop screaming because I was scaring the other patients. Really?? Gee, I'm sorry, but they should be scared. This hospital has no anesthesiologist!!)and two really rude yanks with a set of forceps she was here. She took her sweet time breathing. It was an incredibly long first minute of her life. She came around, but I only got to see her for a second before she was whisked off to NICU. Shortly after that Dr Feelgood shows up with his happy bag of yummy goodness. Yea, no one has seen him since, except on the back of a milk carton. I did it all by myself, Dr Feelgood. THANKYOUVERYMUCH! I am woman, hear me roar! I don't need your stinkin' drugs. Note to self, natural childbirth sucks, send Dr Feelgood a nice fruit basket and hope he shows up should you decide to have kid number two. Which by the way, he didn't when kid number two arrived, but that is another birthday post.
I threw a fit of epic proportions about an hour later when they still would not bring her to me or let me go see her. Something about my head spinning around and green stuff spewing out of my mouth ala "The Exorcist" prompted them to reconsider not letting me go see her. That whole Mama Bear, don't get between me and my cub, kicks in immediately.
She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I was stunned at her existence. I was looking at MY DAUGHTER. WOW. Now, truth be told...she was one ugly newborn. She had a head that was all set for an audition for the Coneheads, a black eye and an ear bent in a funny direction. At the time, I had absolutely no idea that she looked like she had lost a round or 7 with Ali. She was the most beautiful thing ever. EVER.
She was released within another few hours from NICU and all was well. I held her and wouldn't let go. I stared at her lovely little face with the most awe and wonder I had ever experienced. Ten beautiful fingers, long piano playing ones, like her Mom. Ten of the cutest toes attached to two of the cutest baby feet ever to grace the planet Earth. Amazing.
My first born child was the easiest child on the face of the planet. She slept through the night at 5 weeks old. Now, because I was a first time Mom, I like the uber idiot that I was, felt the need to wake her up to verify all was well. I did this until my pediatrician took me out back and smacked me upside my sleep deprived little head and said in no uncertain terms...."NEVER EVER WAKE A SLEEPING BABY, YOU DORK." Woops, um, ok. Won't do that again. Sorry. DUH
She nursed easily, gained weight like a supermodel at a Burger King and was of course the smartest kid ever.
She never had colic and other than a really ugly bout of not wanting to go to sleep, like ever, when she was about 2, she was a dream baby. Now in all fairness, she could shoot spit up across a room and get a good 20' of distance to find the person with the nicest, most expensive and most neatly pressed shirt in the room. Mercifully, this was almost never me. She had an uncanny ability to fill the nastiest diapers the minute we got on a plane. Thank goodness, this was before the days of air marshalls or we so would have been kicked of the plane for carrying on environmental weapons. She read crazy early and finished the Little House series on her own the summer before she started kindergarten. She potty trained relatively easily. She's a klutz of epic proportions and a geek to go with it. She has a heart of gold and has been old since the day she was born.
Today she is 14. FOURTEEN. I have no idea how that happened. She is a marvelous young woman. I am so incredibly proud to call her my daughter.
She has a mind of her own, this young woman who is now my daughter. She has a black and white definition of right and wrong. She wants to save the world and all of the children in it, especially those who have special needs or circumstances. My love affair with this amazing creature began 14 years ago and has only increased over time. She got her daddy's brain and writing ability. She is so his child, it is not even funny. To either one of them, the "Great Missing Nintendo DS Mystery of 2008" could just be any given Tuesday. As is common with crazy smart people, she is also a flake of epic proportions.
I wish I could take credit for it and say she is the amazing kid she is today because I am the best mother ever to punch out an anesthesiologist. I can't take though. She came out this way.
Baby, the apron strings have to get longer and longer the older you get, but rest assured my heart strings hold you just as tight as the day you and the fireworks celebrated yours and America's birthday back in 1994. Thank you for being my baby girl, no matter how old you get. Thank you for the fact that even at 14 you still don't get offended when I call you "bear" even in front of your friends. Thank you for crying with me at just the right spot in "Steel Magnolias." Thank you for trusting me and thinking I still have answers. For the gift that is my oldest daughter, Alannah Louise, I say thank you every single day. I love you, bear. Happy Birthday!