Wednesday, August 12, 2009

And then there were seven...

We are down to more chemo in the bag today and only 7 more to go. Counts were good and all went smoothly.

I am swimming in a sea of bipolar with the whole soon-to-be-off chemo thing. One part of me is absolutely thrilled. It has been a long year and a half. Her body needs a break. That's the sane and rational part.

Then, there's the insane and irrational part that is beside myself terrified to take away the security blanket that the chemo is. Crazy, huh? It's okay to say it. I have become one with my crazy. We don't want to keep letting that benevolent poison that chemo is, drip into her body once a week if she doesn't need it. But. What if she does?

The sane side of my brain... the happy, lollipop tree and cotton candy cloud side of me is just freaking giddy! No chemo means more time in school, which thrills her. It means the chance to get back to dance or gymnastics or cheerleading or whatever other girly pursuit she has interest in. It means an immune system in recovery. It means a return of her stamina, her color, her hair. It means a step towards a more normal childhood for all of my kids. It means so many things. It means a great reason to throw one damn big party!

But, then there's the dark side, the things-we-don't-talk-about side. When visiting THAT side... the crazy and irrational side of my head, it looks a little something like this. We have been giving chemo for so long, what if she comes off and whatever we have been subduing surges back to life and throws it's own big party and invites its friends and family? What if that thing in the left parietal lobe, that no one is really sure about, is in fact something formidable and has been waiting quietly for a chance to take hold?

How quickly will her counts and immune system recover? How long before she recovers? Will her neuropathy go away entirely? How accurate is that new research that shows frequent rapid growth post treatment with Vinblastine? What will her long term effects of chemo be? How long before she ends up back in chemo again? Will she end up back in chemo again? Why do birds sing so gay? Why do fools fall in love? What is the square root of 1683.94? Did I remember to turn off the curling iron this morning? What IS that funky smell in Zachary's closet?


Welcome to my crazy.

Come on in, have a seat, make yourself at home. But, you will have to speak up so I can hear you over the voices in my head.

Again, I am asking to please send some extra love and prayers to the Damm family.

Love to all~


Susan said...

Those fears don't sound crazy to me, Natalie. But YOU are crazy. We've always know that. :) God bless y'all. You're always on my mind.

Kristin said...

ok, so I'm reading a bunch of posts at once.... ; )

Not sure if it's helpful, but I've lived that crazy for 3 years. Three...Years. August 24, it will be 3 years since the doc said, "you know, she's been stable a while, and her counts really need a break"...we were stunned, to stop early (it was chemo #3 in 2 years) , so, happy? terrified? both?

We've had some yikes moments, I won't olde "nf enhancement" areas that remind us at 3 or 4 or for one bright moment 6 month intervals that yeah, there's a whole lotta yikes in G's head...but really, stability can stick. And you'll be shocked at getting laundry done the same month the clothes get dirty : )...
anyway, peace, and hope always...
K, G & R's mom